Update on everything.....

  I hope to write more later since I am finding out that I am not the only one whose marriage was ruined by video gaming. But basically to sum it up, C and I are getting a divorce. I have been trying to make us work for years now, but he never really wanted to change. He has had issues with anger management for a long time and I have tried to help me realize this and get help, and he never bothered.
  About a month ago he was video gaming when he said he wouldn't be, so I asked him to sleep on the couch and I put his pillow and a blanket outside my bedroom door and went to bed. He came up to get everything and got upset, he came in and told me he was going to sleep in his bed and I could deal with it. I informed him that he said he wouldn't play video games and was going to find other things and yet I had just caught him doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. So I told him again to go sleep on the couch. He stormed out of our bedroom and slammed the door, a few minutes later he stormed back in yelling at me about how he was going to sleep in his bed and he needed his sleep and I could deal with it. I informed him once again that we had agreed he would stop gaming and he broke that agreement so sleeping on the bed for the night and talking in the morning really wasn't that big of a deal. He stormed out again and slammed the door. He came back in again and started cussing me out and calling me all sorts of names. By this point he was starting to shake because he was so mad. For once I wasn't upset or scared, I was completely level headed. I realized he was being extremely irrational and petty over something so minor.
  I told him again to go sleep on the couch, he called me several more names (he honestly used every vulgar one I know of ), and was still shaking. I told him to go outside for a walk or leave and go calm down, he told me to "F off" or something of the sort. At this point I knew that if I found any reason to physically touch him that he'd use it as an excuse to push or shove me back and start a physical altercation since this is something he's done before. I told him once more to leave and go cool off, and that if he didn't leave I was going to leave and take the kids with me. He cussed me out some more and I realized at that point I didn't know what I was waiting for. Here was a man standing in front of me, throwing a temper tantrum over having to sleep on the couch because he broke a promise he agreed to. A man who wouldn't walk away in an argument no matter how mad he got. We had talked about this so many times, I had picked up and disappeared with the kids a year and a half ago because of his inability to deal with his anger issues. At this point I remember wondering what I was sticking around for, why was I waiting for this man to physically hurt me before calling it quits? How were my children going to grow up if they thought that that was acceptable behavior of a father and a husband. I would hate myself if my daughter married a man who behaved like that. And I would thoroughly chew out my boys if they ever treated a woman like that. So why was I putting up with it? How was it benefiting anyone but C?
  I rolled off my bed, grabbed my shoes and started walking towards the bedroom door. At this point C realized I wasn't bluffing and started begging and crying, telling me how sorry he was and he would just go sleep on the couch. He tried blocking me from leaving, but I just went around. I know all the sitcom episodes I've ever seen about abuse came rushing to me right then, it was so stereo typical and I almost laughed aloud at the irony of the situation. I went into auto pilot at that point and started loading the kids into the car even though it was midnight. He begged and pleaded for me not to go, but I told him I was done, I wasn't waiting around for him to want to change anymore, because I realized he didn't ever want to. He just wanted a woman to tolerate his behavior and take care of him. I have 3 kids, I really didn't need anymore. I loaded all the kids in my car and left, I went to a friends house and stayed the next 2 nights.
  After that I came home and told C he had to move out, we were separating for a while, how long I had no idea, but he wasn't changing for himself and I don't think he'll ever change other than to try to make me happy enough to take him back. He moved out, I found a cheaper place and moved a few blocks away into a basement apartment with my kids.
  It's still hard, but I realize how much I already did on my own. C had been working 2 jobs before we split, so the kids really didn't see him much anyways, and he didn't give them much attention when he did. Now he at least gives them undivided attention when he's around and they love that. I'm sad to say he's a pretty good part time dad compared to the lacking full time father, but it's been good for them this way. I am figuring out all the nitty gritty details and working on filing for divorce.
  But I'm happy, I have my hard days, yesterday was my 8 year wedding anniversary, that was really hard, but it hurts less every day.  I realize more and more how bad things have been over the years. I'm going through therapy to help me understand and get over the mental strain that comes with emotional and physical abuse. I am definitely guarded when it comes to video games and computer games of any sort, lol. But I finally have full control of my own finances, no more surprise unexpected charges for video games or things we don't need. No more waking up at 2 am alone in bed wondering why C hasn't come to bed yet when he said he'd be there in a second 2 hours ago. No more feeling like if you husband had to pick between you and a computer that he'd pick the computer. I look forward to eventually finding someone who knows how to pull their own weight in a relationship. Who is my equal partner instead of the teenager I have to bribe to do housework or help out. I look forward to being with someone who has ambition and plans, goals and aspirations. I can do this, I'm thoroughly capable, and once I've finished focusing on working on myself I can do anything.
  So that's my update, sorry it's so long. Hopefully I'll get to this once a week, it does me good.

So many decisions, what to do...

So working full time has helped me realize how much I enjoyed being a stay at home and how immensely I miss it. I am always so tired and worn out after work and keeping up with the house is amazingly more difficult than I thought. On top of that I spend over half my income paying for a nanny, she's awesome, don't get me wrong, but it feels like I mostly work to pay for a nanny.  Now to add on top of this I apparently miss understood how my insurance works and it's not $250 a month, it's $250 a pay period. I know insurance is pricey, but between insurance and nanny I'll only be bringing in $100. I don't know what to do. I would love to quit my job and save us the money on the nanny, then I could get a part time job in the evenings or on Chad's days off and would make up for the income I was bringing in. But then we'd have to find another private insurance. If this doesn't make sense, that's okay, it's very confusing to me too.

Ideally Chad would put in his resume to several companies and get hired doing computer work making a little more than he is now and insurance. 

Lots of prayers over here for us please. We need to make a decision, a good one and relatively soon. Please help us to be able to know what to do and where to go from here.

Much Love,

Jenna

Bedtime Blog: Friends

I have some amazing friends, and am so glad they want to be my friends! I have met a lot of awesome people in all our travels with the military. The majority of people are short lived acquaintances, but every so often we make friends that are permanent.  They may not permanently stay in our physical lives, but they stay in our hearts and we keep in touch.

I am SO grateful to all the wonderful friends who have helped us along this journey of life, you have made it so much more exciting and fun. You've let me cry on your shoulder, call you at midnight, text you during child birth, vent to you when you are in a crisis too.  You've been there for me through good and bad and love me all the same. I hope I have been there for you as much as you have for me, I love you all so much.

Thank you for your time, your love, your compassion and your help. I'm always here for you no matter where I go, my phone is always on and I am always listening. I love you all, mwah!  <3

We're Moving!

So this is just a short post, haven't posted anything in a super long time and felt like bringing everyone up to date.  We have lived out our sentence of 4 years in Georgia and are now saying so long to both the area and the military and moving home to Utah! So looking forward to my kids being around grand parents and family as well as having snow and cooler summers. (that was personally how I knew I was ready to move home was when I was missing the snow!)

However since we are going home without anything major figured out besides that the first objectives are a permanent place to live and a job to support that, there is a little stress. But I have faith in my husband, and the Lord, and know we have family nearby to help with kids if need be, so I'll survive.

This move just snuck up on me so fast, I just realized I have a week to pack up suitcases before they pack up the house, I am so glad this will be our last big move, it's hard emotionally and stressful. It doesn't help that this is the longest we have lived anywhere in his entire enlistment, in 4 years you set up a lot of roots and actually get major sense of home. I have so many memories in this house, and so many amazing friends and awesome neighbors, this by far will be the hardest move. I'm not a person who is good at goodbyes, I am too emotional and just become a blubbering wreck. Usually I find it easiest to push back and avoid the sadness of moving until I'm moved and caught up in the excitement of a new place, but I have too much here for that to be so easy this time around.  Plus we aren't just moving, we are leaving the military lifestyle to join the ranks of the regular world, and surprisingly enough that scares me. I never planned nor wanted to be a military wife, but for the past 6 years that is all over known.

So please world, if nothing else, be a little gentle with me, I feel like a new fawn just learning to walk, civilian life seems new and foreign, and I am a little frightened. But I have my beautiful children, a loving, determined husband and a mostly supportive family. As long as we've got each other we can conquer anything.

My Goals for This Week

Nothing special today, just my goals list for this week.  It is a little late, but still doable, and I figure if I post it up here I might actually be more accountable to it.  So here we go!!

Thanks to Money Saving Mom, I got the idea to start a weekly goal list, I actually get quite a bit done now! I have picked different categories then she has, but basically the same.  I figure you tailor it to your personal needs.

Personal Goals
1. Shower at least 2x a week
2. Get to bed before 12
3. Read my book daily
4. Scriptures, brush and floss teeth daily
5. Read 1 conference talk a day
6. 15 min of exercise a day

Family/Mothering Goals
1. Read to the kids nightly
2. Brush teeth nightly
3. Family prayers and children's prayers
4. Baths 2x a week
5. Scriptures with kids and family

School Goals
1.  Spend 15 mins a day on homework
2. Practice all words lists for 15 mins a night
3. Apply it during the week

Home Management
1. Sweep and Mop kitchen
2. Finish 5 freezer meals (also an idea from Money Saving Mom)
        - already made breakfast sandwiches
3. Finish folding and putting away all my laundry
4. Catch up on laundry.

I'll tell you how I manage next week, and post my new list!

On a healthy kick!

So I've been trying to eat healthier lately since my scale showed me a horrifying number I didn't think I'd see again.  We purchased a juicer and have been enjoying that as well as making a ton of smoothies!  Some of my favorite smoothie recipes call for yogurt or apple juice, Quincy however, is allergic to milk and gets a diaper rash from apple juice, so I've been trying to find alternatives.  I found I could replace apple juice with cranberry and then I found an allergen free yogurt recipe.  And you make it in your CROCK POT!!!  It's so easy, I made one batch of soygurt (as we are calling it), and have one regular batch finishing up as I type. 

Kyson and Quincy thoroughly enjoyed the soygurt for breakfast with some strawberry jam in it.  Halli didn't, but she really hates soy milk and you can still taste it a little bit.

So here is the original recipe for Crock Pot Yogurt

And here is the recipe for Allergen Free Yogurt
(I couldn't find allergen free yogurt for a starter, so I used regular, the next couple days will tell if that was okay, or not.)

My soygurt was really runny, so I put coffee filters into a strainer that I had inside of a bowl and let the liquid drip out.  Now it is about the consistency of sour cream. You can also use this method to turn regular yogurt into Greek yogurt. 

We also tried a recipe a friend of mine recommended, Cauliflower Crust Pizza
Trust me, I was unsure about it too, but I have 3 heads of cauliflower sitting around my house from my Bountiful Baskets.  Anyway, it came out amazing!  We ate the first one with just sauce and cheese on top, all my kids had at least one slice and Chad and I each had two.  We were all a little full by the second one, but still very delicious.  Like the recipe says, it will not taste like a normal pizza crust, but it won't taste like cauliflower either.

And that's about it, I'm signing off for the night!

Cooking up a Storm!

So since my awesome hubby did all the dishes on Friday I actually had a desire to cook!  Yesterday the kids and I made zucchini bread muffins, and my friend Sarah's sister's recipe of breakfast cookies (that's what we're calling them).  I also made some fresh salsa as well. 

Grocery shopping was also on my to do list this week and since I finished 2 weeks worth of food in 45 minutes (I rock!!!) I decided to make one of my easy go to lunches for the kids and Chad.  Brown bag burritos is such an easy recipe that I got off of one of moneysavingmom"s meal plans, however, she got it from here.  My first time making them I thought they were a little too salty, so I didn't add any salt to my refried beans and it was MUCH better, however, if you are using canned refried beans I would just omit the salt in the recipe.  Oh, and before I forget, here is the refried beans recipe I use, so easy, and tastes WAY better then canned even if you use oil.  I wish I kept my bacon grease on hand for cooking, but we so rarely have bacon and Chad usually cleans up, it just doesn't happen. But I am sure bacon grease would make them even more amazing! 

Anyway, I love this recipe because it is so quick and easy to make, assemble, and reheat!  Plus, who doesn't love that 2 lbs of beef makes 20 burritos!!